Pray Away (2021)

This is Kinda a Different Blog than Usual because this just hits so close to home and it feels wrong to just do a normal blog like this is any other movie 

Trigger Warning: Mention of self harm, conversion therapy and extreme homophobia/transphobia 

Going into this Documentary I knew it was going to be a hard watch. As someone who is part of the LGBTQ community while simultaneously growing up with a catholic education, I knew that homophobia ran rampant within the religious community. However, I did not know the true origin and reasoning for the creation of conversion therapy before watching this film. 

    In watching this film, I realized that conversion therapy stemmed from self hate and loathing. The founder of the organization focused on, Exodus, began a "Gay Thoughts" support group at his local church because he felt alone in his feelings and urges toward homosexuality. The way that this film cut between former Exodus leaders current testimonies and their former views and actions further enforced this idea of self loathing within these people. For instance, John Paulk was the figurehead of Exodus. He was a prime example of an "Ex-Gay" Showing the skeptics that conversion therapy actually can "turn someone straight." He preached about how happy he was with his wife and children while internally having sexual urges he could never voice because he didn't want to "harm the movement." He went on to say that his gay thoughts had never stopped, he just based change of his actions. Therefore, because he was acting straight, he was a straight man in his own mind.  Literally every single founder of the Exodus organization started it because they were upset by their own thoughts of homosexuality. Internalized homophobia invented conversion therapy.

    One phrase that stuck out to me was "I wanted to be good." People like Julia Rodgers were trying to change a fundamental part of their identity because they were told that was the only way to be good. Julia Rodgers came out to her mother when she was 16, she was then sent to a religious "reform group" called Living Hope. It was here that she was manipulated and indoctrinated into feeling like she had to tell her group leader, Ricky Chelette, every detail about every sexual encounter she had. She was even manipulated into exploiting her experience with SA during a testimony on television in order to enforce the idea that women are only gay to avoid being hurt by a man again. She put her heart and soul into "fixing herself" and was frustrated with herself when she was an overall good kid, but was so bad because of these thoughts she couldn't get rid of. This frustration to "be good" is the driving force in why survivors of conversion therapy often commit suicide. This concept was not lost by this documentary. Julia Rodgers resorted to putting out cigarettes on herself or heating a quarter and burning herself with it out of anger that she wasn't changing. She was told she had to be feminine and she had to check all these boxes, when she couldn't check them off, she punished her body. Paulk Echoes this testimony himself, saying multiple times that if he hadn't left his wife and explored this part of him, he would've taken his own life. These two accounts of the trauma resulting from conversion therapy not only reinforces the fact that it does nto work, but also the fact that it can only do harm. It is this confirmation that caused the founder to resign, he knew that what he was doing was harming people. 

    The most frustrating aspect of this film was Jeffery McCalls segments. It just felt entirely out of touch and it just made me angry thinking that there are people still out in the world pushing these insane homophobic ideas. The only good part about his segments was the fact that the editors put uneasy and unsettling music overtop of them, showing this films bias against homophobia and Jeffery McCalls organization as a whole. 

    Overall this film made me extremely angry. It is just so flabbergasting to me that people can preach loving thy neighbor and all of jesus' teachings of peace and love and then turn around and drive a chunk of a minority to suicide or self harm. I don't understand how, in todays day and age, someone can be so ignorant on the legitimacy of trans people, so much so that they have the audacity to say that trans people are locked away from god. How can a church be so openly bigoted and then not understand why a majority of Gen Z, which is arguably one of the most accepting generations when it comes to equal rights, doesn't want to be affiliated with them. My uncle is a gay man and grew up in the 80s and 90s and the fact that he faced this kind of discrimination and just hate from a community thats supposed to be loving makes me want to give up on religion entirely. Im not going to be part of a community that Im not welcome in, let alone a community my family isn't welcome in. 

I need to stop writing about this movie because the words i want to use are not film class appropriate. I could talk about this topic forever but for the sake of my permanent record Im going to stop.